Divorce can really wreak havoc with children's perception of relationships. They ofter completely lose trust in the permanency of any relationship. When their parents start dating after a divorce, there are even more opportunities to screw up kids' futures - especially with younger children.
One way to help is to ease your children into the idea that you're seeing someone new.
Gently ease them into the new relationship. First, get the kids used to the idea that you're friends. It should be (seem) casual at first - bumping into each other at events and such.
Once your kids become comfortable with the other person, the next step might be to let them know that you're doing something together as friends. After a few of these "meetings." it might be ok to then tell your kids that you're going on a "date."
It's a much healthier message for children to see a parent dating someone they were friends with first than to suddenly see a lover in their parent's life. Hopefully it will be a message the kids will remember when they're old enough to enter the dating world themselves.
Showing posts with label Life After Divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life After Divorce. Show all posts
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Dating After Divorce - It's All About Expectations
I know. Many of you don't even want to think about dating yet. But it will (eventually) happen, no matter how scary it might seem today. If you're able to take a step back emotionally, the idea might be a little easier to deal with. I think one of the most important things to remember when starting to date is having the right expectations.
If you remind yourself that when you start dating, you're not looking for a life partner, it takes a lot of pressure off. When you start dating, you're just going to be meeting people and perhaps spending a little (or a lot of) time with someone. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? But when it comes down to it, dating isn't about tomorrow, nor should it be. It should be about spending quality grown-up time with someone we enjoy being around.
Period.
I think it's natural for someone who is post-divorce to think through their long-term goals, and often they try to fit dating into this box as well. However, the dating world doesn't work that way. Ease in, enjoy the moment, and let things develop if the person is right.
If you remind yourself that when you start dating, you're not looking for a life partner, it takes a lot of pressure off. When you start dating, you're just going to be meeting people and perhaps spending a little (or a lot of) time with someone. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? But when it comes down to it, dating isn't about tomorrow, nor should it be. It should be about spending quality grown-up time with someone we enjoy being around.
Period.
I think it's natural for someone who is post-divorce to think through their long-term goals, and often they try to fit dating into this box as well. However, the dating world doesn't work that way. Ease in, enjoy the moment, and let things develop if the person is right.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Exercise
We all know we need to exercise. However, when we're in the middle of a family, it's ofter difficult if not impossible to find time to do things for ourselves. After a divorce, however, we often find ourselves all alone while our children are spending their weekend or week with their other parent. These are the times when depression can really kick in, and they're the times that you can use to make exercise a regular part of your new life.
Regular exercise, even if it's just walking, will make you feel better about yourself. It can be a time for quiet reflection during which you can sort out your thoughts. As I've already said, it is also a very good way to combat stress and anxiety. Exercise also helps you to feel like you are doing "something" to help battle the feelings of being powerless in your circumstances.
Finally, you'll not just feel better, if you keep it up, you'll look better, too. Just imagine the boost to your self-confidence when you start getting compliments from people when they see the changes!
Regular exercise, even if it's just walking, will make you feel better about yourself. It can be a time for quiet reflection during which you can sort out your thoughts. As I've already said, it is also a very good way to combat stress and anxiety. Exercise also helps you to feel like you are doing "something" to help battle the feelings of being powerless in your circumstances.
Finally, you'll not just feel better, if you keep it up, you'll look better, too. Just imagine the boost to your self-confidence when you start getting compliments from people when they see the changes!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
How to Turn Divorce into a Positive Life Change
There are no winners in a divorce. Both spouses suffer, and if there are children in the marriage, they suffer even more. However, if you've been in a bad marriage for years, even with the difficulties divorce can bring, it can also can lead to a better life. The key is to keep from getting caught up in the inevitable depression and to work at making positive changes in your life.
First, begin eating right and exercising. You're already making some huge changes to your lifestyle. Why not make the other changes that matter most, as well? Eating healthy foods will make you generally feel better. It's often much cheaper to eat good, healthy food at home than it is to eat out several times a week, or even cheaper than keeping lots of junk food in the house. Exercise will not only help you get into better shape, which in turn helps your self esteem, but it can also help you combat depression. When combined with a healthy diet, regular exercise can bring about dramatic changes to your body and your general outlook in a relatively short time.
Next, begin saving money. In almost every case, a newly divorced individual has to deal with financial issues of lesser or greater severity. You're likely living on less income and with a tighter budget than you're used to. When you're surviving on a single income, any unexpected expense can be devastating. You should work on building up your savings to the point that you can handle a suprise large expense. I suggest several months' salary at a minimum. This should be kept someplace like a savings account so that it can be relatively easily accessed. Once your savings have built up to this point, you can start directing your savings to a longer-term investment, but you need to first ensure that you can handle unexpected emergencies with your handy reserve.
Update your wardrobe. After you start looking better from eating right and exercising, you'll want new clothes to match your new body and new attitude. That might sound counter to the previous advice, but new clothes don't have to cost a fortune. Swallow your pride and start looking in consignment stores and thrift stores. While you might have to weed through a bunch of clothes to find the best items, it's easy to find new or almost new items at incredibly deep discounts. These often aren't outdated fashions, either. Take a look – you might be surprised with what you're able to find, and you'll be the only one who will know where they came from.
Take a hard look at improving your education. It might mean some sacrifices, but even taking one or two classes at a time will help. Not only will advancing your education potentially lead to a better job or more pay, it will help your self esteem as well. Also you will have the chance to meet new people.
Finally, re-enter the dating world. It can be a very scary thought, but nothing will help your self-worth as much as finding someone who is interested in you just for being you. Set your bar high – while there's nothing wrong with dating “Mr. Right Now,” make sure both you and he know that casual is OK. Don't settle for "adequate" for a long term relationship. When you find the right person, you'll know. If you don't, that's OK, too.
After a divorce, it's easy to remember to take care of your children. That's also true with taking care of your bills. But it's equally as important to take the time and make the effort to take care of yourself.
First, begin eating right and exercising. You're already making some huge changes to your lifestyle. Why not make the other changes that matter most, as well? Eating healthy foods will make you generally feel better. It's often much cheaper to eat good, healthy food at home than it is to eat out several times a week, or even cheaper than keeping lots of junk food in the house. Exercise will not only help you get into better shape, which in turn helps your self esteem, but it can also help you combat depression. When combined with a healthy diet, regular exercise can bring about dramatic changes to your body and your general outlook in a relatively short time.
Next, begin saving money. In almost every case, a newly divorced individual has to deal with financial issues of lesser or greater severity. You're likely living on less income and with a tighter budget than you're used to. When you're surviving on a single income, any unexpected expense can be devastating. You should work on building up your savings to the point that you can handle a suprise large expense. I suggest several months' salary at a minimum. This should be kept someplace like a savings account so that it can be relatively easily accessed. Once your savings have built up to this point, you can start directing your savings to a longer-term investment, but you need to first ensure that you can handle unexpected emergencies with your handy reserve.
Update your wardrobe. After you start looking better from eating right and exercising, you'll want new clothes to match your new body and new attitude. That might sound counter to the previous advice, but new clothes don't have to cost a fortune. Swallow your pride and start looking in consignment stores and thrift stores. While you might have to weed through a bunch of clothes to find the best items, it's easy to find new or almost new items at incredibly deep discounts. These often aren't outdated fashions, either. Take a look – you might be surprised with what you're able to find, and you'll be the only one who will know where they came from.
Take a hard look at improving your education. It might mean some sacrifices, but even taking one or two classes at a time will help. Not only will advancing your education potentially lead to a better job or more pay, it will help your self esteem as well. Also you will have the chance to meet new people.
Finally, re-enter the dating world. It can be a very scary thought, but nothing will help your self-worth as much as finding someone who is interested in you just for being you. Set your bar high – while there's nothing wrong with dating “Mr. Right Now,” make sure both you and he know that casual is OK. Don't settle for "adequate" for a long term relationship. When you find the right person, you'll know. If you don't, that's OK, too.
After a divorce, it's easy to remember to take care of your children. That's also true with taking care of your bills. But it's equally as important to take the time and make the effort to take care of yourself.
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