Thursday, May 29, 2008

Children & Divorce - No Suprises, Please

After a divorce, children worry about everything. They worry that their mom or dad will move out of the city. They worry that their mom or dad blames them for the divorce. They worry that their mom or dad will meet someone new and will start a new family, forgetting their "old" one. These worries are perfectly normal.

One way you can help your kids overcome their worries is by communicating with them as much as possible. Obviously, you should keep the discussions age-appropriate, but just like adults, children don't react well to surprises (unless they're fun surprises).

As an example, compare the following two scenarios:

Billy only sees his dad every other weekend and on Wednesday nights. His dad missed last Wednesday for some reason - Billy wonders if it's because his dad is mad at him. On Friday night, when his dad picks Billy up and brings him to his place, there's a strange woman there. His dad ignores Billy and spends all of his time talking with his new "friend." Even though she leaves early in the evening, Billy is hurt and confused - he's afraid this new woman will take his dad away from him (it already started on Wednesday in Billy's mind).

-or-

Misty only sees her dad every other weekend and on Wednesday nights. One Wednesday, several months after her parents' divorce, her dad tells her, "you know that at some point, both your mother and I will probably start dating other people, right?" They then have a discussion about how it's important for adults to spend time with other adults, just like it's important for kids to spend time with their friends. At the end of the conversation, her dad tells Misty that no matter what, she'll always be his daughter and they'll always be together.

A couple of weeks later, on their Wednesday night, Misty's dad tells her that he's met someone and is thinking about asking her out on a date. He doesn't spend too much time talking about it, but he answers all of Misty's questions. The next week, he gives Misty details on some of the things they did on their date (went to dinner, went dancing, etc. - just the things kids would be interested in), and tells her some of the details about his new "friend." Again, he keeps this brief, but answers all of Misty's questions.

The next weekend, Misty's dad tells her that they're going to play mini golf with his new friend on Saturday afternoon. Although Misty is nervous, during the game, both her father and his friend spend all of their time with Misty, so she feels more assured that she won't lose her dad.

It's kind of like getting into an icy pool. While the result is the same, diving in can be a shock to your whole system. Sometimes easing in a little bit at a time can get you used to the different depths before you submerge completely.

It's far easier for everyone involved if there are no surprises.

What are some examples you've dealt with where your ex-spouse threw your kids a nasty curveball (or the steps you took to keep from surprising your kids with your life changes)?

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I think that another issue that truly affects children is badmouthing between spouses in front of the children in order to hurt the other parent. This is so damaging to all parties involved and I think it is so important for parents to deal with their anger in other ways. You should read this article that talks about this issue. You might find it interesting. http://www.freemychild.com/pdf/fm_silencegol